53 Days

53 days is what it takes to make me a mess, it seems!  We are 53 days from our log in date today, and my heart is rebelliously ignoring the fact that 53 days is really not that far into the anticipated wait for Little Bit's referral.  It is not as if we don't have several massive projects filling our front burners.  It isn't like there isn't a floor to vacuum, paperwork to complete, planning to do, weeds to annihilate, or laundry to dry minus a functional dryer (till the store locates our warranty info!).  My attention, though, is questionable toward the tasks at hand.  I refresh web pages and e-mail inboxes way too much.  I check the phone a lot more than I should.  I spend my evenings trying to be productive and realizing that my ability to be useful at this particular point in our waiting is...uh...kinda lame.

After years, we finally feel safe in preparing a bit for our new arrival.  There is a little bed and my family's rocking horse in a sunny nursery.  There are a ridiculous number of paint samples decorating the walls.  If I open the closet door, a high chair, car seat, pack and play, toys, lovies, bibs, and hooded towels are right there.  I love having the sweet heirlooms.  I'm pretty pleased with my "take it easy" and "buy it on sale" strategy.  Some days, though, toddler gear is just dangerous for me!  Can I share something a little weird for being in the C* adoption program?  I still truly wonder is this is really going to happen for us.  You could say our journey thus far as left some scars.  They fade every year, but there are a few tight ones I have to let the Healer stretch sometimes.  So a roomful like that can be a tricky proposition!

When it's daytime, I can work it out.  I channel that energy into appointments and those big projects I mentioned.  I have little wishful thoughts, but it's not too hard to remember to divert those thoughts into praise and prayers.  Nights are the pits!  At night, I am flat tired from pouring all that focus into other places.  Seeing precious photos from friends in adoption groups, celebrating as timelines move along, checking which child's needs or surgery should be added to the prayer list, praying that those with the ability would feel compelled to make children paper ready so they can be placed into families....These vital pieces of loving, blessing, and connecting can become prods and pokes.

God does have a plan for us and our child, and that plan is GOOD.  Even with this interminable waiting (and I know some of you have waited much longer), and some intense behind the scenes challenges, there is real assurance in rehearsing that truth.  Thank you so much for allowing me to post about this less-glowy subject.  Sometimes it's important to be honest...although it took me this long to decide to just post this rather than waiting to develop a different, more perky topic.  But being fully honest isn't just about expressing your feelings...you have to tell the truth to yourself too.  And the truth is that when you ask "Really?  Really, this is the plan?" or "WHEN, Lord?" (hello!)...You can still have a bedrock of peace and hope if you know and love the One who already knows your story and loves you.  Since He already knows about me being a mess this week and all, I guess I can lay this one down at those pierced feet, too (repeatedly if need be).  He is faithful!